you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
