Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
