non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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