I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
