I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
