oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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