How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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