see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
