dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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