I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
