Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
