One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
