i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
