Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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