Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
