even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We are all done wearing pants today
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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