I threw up into my coffee this morning.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
