I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
