Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
