"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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