I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
