she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
