GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
