look no pants
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
