She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
