i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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