I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
