i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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