As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
