Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
