Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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