Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
