Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
