Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
That accounts for only three of the penises
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
