The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
