Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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