i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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