She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
