i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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