I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
