You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
