We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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