Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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