Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
