I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
