I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
