Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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