The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
