I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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