I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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