when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
