I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
