I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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